I am so unhappy.

I am so unhappy. It's the end of March and it's snowing outside. Things are still on the outs with the guy, and it looks like there going to stay that way. He talked to me one day last week. He wanted something from me, I let my needs get the best of me and I gave in, knowing he wasn't going to talk to me again, and I was right. I tried cutting him out of my life, but then I prayed and I asked for a sign, and I got it within 24 hrs and maybe I looked at it wrong, or read the wrong way because things didn't change. It just made me feel stupid. I hate when I feel like people are lying to me. I hate feeling ignored. I hate feeling thrown away and unimportant. And he has done a fine job of making me feel all those things. I started to get into touch with someone of the people I cut out of my life because of him. I made plans to go out, and they fell through. So here I am spending another lonely night at home. I wish I could find happiness in something, anything. I wish I was excited about classes, or about where I am living. But I feel like I'm drowing in quicksand. Like I'm facing the end of another big mistake in my life. I hate this I want to think positive like it's all going to turn itself around. But waiting is the hardest part. And watching someone go on and live there life without you. Cutting up with friends and having a good time, when you have nothing is hard. And I repeatedly ask myself why I want to be with someone like that. Why do I want someone who will only throw me away again, and I can't come up with an answer. I used to believe that he was a good person. That he was honest with me, that his intentions were true. But I don't believe that anymore. I honestly feel that he has moved on and he is only trying to keep me on the hook in case his new plans go bad. And I am here again like a big idiot. And theres not even anything good to watch on tv. I had an activity of drawing and egg dying planned but who wants to dye eggs when it's snowing outside. So I guess I can just go on feeling sorry for myself.

I AM So ANGRY!

I am so angry and I just want to scream, why can't I find a guy with no bullshit lies, and lines, and baggage. A guy who doesn't want to play mind games, and who will accept me for who I am, because he loves me and wants to be with me. I'm tired of feeling worthless. And I am tired of giving people the power they need to fuck with me over and over again, and most of all I am tired of having faith in others especially those who have no faith in themselves.

UGH Can't Sleep!

Can't Sleep must get up in 5 hrs. But I did manage to go to all of my friends blogs, read through everything I've missed, and comment somewhat light heartedly I hope they all enjoyed it as much as I did! I'm such a dork!

Things are starting to look up.

So things are starting to look up. I made it threw my first weekend of work and I did much better than I thought it would. I hope things stay positive with this job, because so far I really enjoyed it. I have talked to the guy much, and I only saw him once when he came to get his stuff. I suppose it's all for the best. After all everything happens for a reason right. His van is still parked outside filled with all the stuff that was sitting inside but I imagine one day I will come home and it will be gone. I can't wait for school to be done with. I haven't not decided what I am going to do. I really haven't had much time to reflect on everything. I don't know that moving to another state at this point is an option because it is something that requires a lot of money saved. But I think that I will at least be looking for a new place in the same town as school I think it will be easier without the drive, and without that motivation kill of having to get up as early. It's hard to convince yourself not to go to class when it's just down the street. I met with a school counselor today and will continue to meet with her, so hopefully we can set up some goals to kind of get everything on the right tract, and to help me cope better so I don't have these continued freakouts as I like to call them. When everything hits me at once, and then I drowned trying to find a way to keep my head above water. It's not good for me or the people around me. But I suppose I'm going to make dinner and goof off for awhile before laying into my homework. And I seriously , and I mean seriously need to Vaccum my floor.

New Job.

So I'm kind of freaking out about my new job. Tomorrow I have a 10 hr shift and it's my first time working alone. I'm not in a state of mind to be starting a new job, and I can't stop crying. And I can't afford to keep crying tomorrow. Why do all the bad things in my life have to keep piling up on themselves. I feel like I'm this horrible person thats done some so terrible wrong that they have to be continuely punished. I've always tried to be a good person. I just don't know when I will catch a break. I just wish I wasn't so all alone.

The Pros and Cons

Oh What Should I do. What Should I do.
It comes time for the awful pros and con list. She she stay or should she go, and if she goes, where should she goes. The thing about being single with no strings is that you really have the freedom to go wherever you want and do whatever you want. My problem has always been being happy though. What will make me happy. Will going back to the past really make me happy or is just a way of escaping, is staying in SD the option, knowing I could possible go through two more years with no support system, and no friends. Will I end up even more miserable then I am at this very moment. Or should I go somewhere I have never been before and just escape everything and everyone. Or will everything be exactly the same as it is no matter where I go. Maybe the problem is me. Maybe I am negative, Maybe I don't get it. Maybe I'll never get it. And maybe I'm completely incapable of making anyone happy, including myself. Who knows.

Still spilling it all out of my brain.

Hows this for posting! I guess I'm making up for those long periods of silence. I just want to keep all of these thoughts out of my head. I feel like I wasted another day. I allowed him to take it from me. As I was going through and packing up his stuff I just kept thinking wow this is the exact same thing I was doing last year around this time. We get together, he flips out because he's too stressed, takes it out on me and I'm left trying to reorganize the pile of shit thats been left on my life. And then people don't understand why I'm so cautious when it comes to relationships. It's like men take you out to breakfast, fuck you, tell you they love you, all the while knowing the next time they see you, their going to break up with you. And your the one who's lost the person you thought was your bestfriend, and your lover, and your companion, and all in one swoop he's revealed himself to be no different then every other male you've ever met. Well Cheers to them! Assholes.

Still Trucking

So so far today I have watched Natural Born Killers, It's a good way to dispell anger, and packed up all of his clothes and things and cuddled with the cats, enjoying our last day with TV in the bedroom. I think they know something is wrong, they are refusing to leave my side and his cat islaying on top of me. I'm really going to miss her. But I think she is good for him and will give him that companionship he is looking for. I keep going over in my head why I can't just be friends with him. I've been friends with lots of people I've dated. And I think that it's because he never listened to what I was trying to tell him. That us becoming "friends" only adds to the feelings of being used that I was already having, and instead of addressing those and talking with me about it, he just ignored me and made it worse. Plus I don't think he has it in him to be just my friend. I felt like I kept making sacrifices and that I was constantly exploring new options and that wither he feels I had forever in mind or not. I still kept my eye on it, while trying to only concentrate on the future. I wanted to take things one day at a time to make sure we could grow. Too often people get wrapped up in the future and in the idea of marriage and they miss everything going on in front of them. They miss the best part of the relationship. Even back in August I kept closing my mind thinking he's going to leave in 12 months and I'll be alone and it really made me sad. And he's the one that told me don't think about it enjoy the time we have together. And then he tells me yesterday that he only has another year left and if were not going to be together in a year he would rather not waste what time he has left. Well what about all the time I wasted on him. For christ sakes I applied to go to UNL. Never in my right mind would I up and move to Nebraska with no motive. All the bullshit his ex wife had put me through. All the worrying and concern I put in over his kids. And it was all for nothing. Because I was just buying time until I could have someone else. Yeah I could see where he thought I was in love with another guy. But the guy lives 1200 miles away. And I made my decision to come to SD and not go to TN. and all though my entire decision to move here was not based on him, he was a part of it. I have passed on so many friendships, because they angered him. I turned away so many people. And this time I wasn't willing to let one go. Not because I was in love with him and waiting for a turn, but because he was my soul mate, he's the guy that understands where I've been and where I'm at. He's a friend and has been since I was 14. It's not easy to just let that one go. I don't get to go hang out with people because I learned my lesson that trying to hang out with other people would only cause major problems. But I never had a problem with him going out and having a good time, and yet I'm the one that was suffocating him. He doesn't want to have more kids. Well heres a new flash. I don't really want to have any kids. I can't figure out what the fuck I'm doing with my life, without having to worry about preparing someone for theres. He didn't like my negativity. Well maybe he should have tried to embrace my encouragement. My positive thoughts and suggestions instead of continuely knocking them out, and telling me how miserable he was how he would always be miserable and no one and nothing would make him happy. Try thinking positive instead of constantly responding with thats just the way it is and the way it has to be and I'm a man so Im automatically fucked. MY NEGATIVITY! The guy who I could never get to laugh. Who would just look at my like I was stupid if I was acting goofy. Or get pissed off if I tried to be playfull. I love how the whole relationship gets turned around and becomes my fault. And then when I give one last attempt to work on it he says. Yeah I just don't think it's worth it. So who's really the one who's giving up here. He throws this all in my face and expects me to be able to smile at him and say oh yes we are just friends. Well I've seen how he treats his "friends" and lowering myself to that level seems a bit like asking for a beating.

Well I'm Awake

So I'm Awake but I didn't go to class. And I really needed to go to class. I was up most of the night and when I got up at 6:00 to get ready, I just didn't feel like I could face the world today. I felt like after yesterday I needed to regroup so that tomorrow I was on top of my game. Today starts the awful duty of packing his stuff. Wonderful isn't it. Part of me feels horrible because he said he still wants to be friends that he just wants to be on a break. And I would be ok with that I really would if this wasn't a repeat of so many episodes before. And like him I was sick of the fighting and everytime we would argue I was the one that was quick to say ok it's over. But it was an easy out. An easy way to stop the fighting and resolve the issue. So I looked like a bitch for it. It got the point across, I guess you go with whats familiar even if it doesn't work. My friends are all throwing a party, glad this ones over. I really went to bat for him. I stood by him. I actually considered living out my days in the dreaded midwest and taking on the responsibility of a family for him. I really did feel like I was trying to be supportive in everyway possible. And now I'm left lying here with his cat who seems to be the only one offering me any physical comfort, now how ironic is that. I just need to shake this from my system and move on.

UGH I CAN'T SLEEP!

My mouth is hurting so bad, and I can't stop crying. And I'm just so fucking angry. I don't know why this had to happen. Why can't I just meet someone who really cares about me. Someone who really wants things to work and doesn't come up with a millin excuses as to why it wont. Who doesn't place me on the bottom of some list. And then constantly treat me like I'm unimportant, and then yell when I feel unimportant. I really loved him. I really did. And I know that he thinks that I didn't and I know that he thinks I was just buying time, but I wasn't I really did care for him. And I wanted thinks to work between us. I wanted to find a solution for all of the problems we were having. But it just seemed that everytime we would solve an issue he would come back at me with another issue even if it was unresolved from months and months ago. And I know that I would bring things of from the past too. But I try really hard not to hold those things against people. I just hate this feeling of being thrown away and today of all days. When I really needed a friend, and really needed someone to be there. I get a major slap in the face and a reminder that I am completely alone here, and that I have no one within reaching distance. And I really need to go to sleep and I have my first day of work where I'm working by myself on friday. And I just didn't need this this week. I really needed support. And I know that my friends are calling and they care and I really appreciate it guys. It would have been nice to have something to look forward to this week, or to know there was someone I could go to if I needed to.

“What breaks in a moment may take years to mend.”

I AM So ANGRY!

I am so angry. Blind anger the kind that builds up until you just want to break something and then you end up crying until your eyes bleed. I thought that my life had gotten better. That things were really starting to straighten out, and it turns out that as long as there are other people involved my life will continue to fuck me repeatedly until I learn my lesson. And the thing I hate most about relationships is stepping back to evaluate what went wrong. Im the type of person that likes to take responsiblity for their actions to learn from their mistakes, and when you are being bombarded with blame from other people, it's sometimes hard to decifer what is truth and what is their own pile of crap they are trying to unload in an attempt to make themselves feel better. So here I sit with my now ex boyfriends cat who is loving me and trying to play with the keyboard as I type. And I'm angry for dragging on this charade for so long. For allowing myself to be played the fool. for believing all of his bullshit when I knew it would only come back to haunt me. When I knew that man particularly emotionally fucked men should never be trusted. So here I am angry alone, and about to cry myself asleep again, because it seems that I JUST CAN'T GET A FUCKING BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can I Just Say How Happy I Am!

I am so freeking psyched that the wedge heal has come back in style. My all time favorite style of shoe, not to mention they make my feet look fabulous! Now if I can only restrain myself from buying too many pairs. Got a super cute outfit at walmart yesterday for $6.00 yes. You can on very rare occaisons find super cute clothes at Wal-mart. I had a fabulous weekend with my mom. In fact I don't want to go home. I forgot how quite and peaceful it is here. But at last if I stayed after a couple weeks I would be tired of being here and want to go home. Grandma is doing good, she is horrible unhappy to be in the nursing home, but I think thats what is best for her. Now I must put my super cute outfit on and drive back to SD in time for my afternoon class. Did I mention I got all of my art homework done this weekend so now I just need to concentrate on Math!

I Can't Cry Anymore. Or at least you would think.

I think I've had about 10 crying spells today. I came home from the doctor I took my anxiety medicine like suggested. I fell asleep like I knew I would. I woke up in a panic because I knew I wasn't suppose to be sleeping. I got absolutely nothing accomplished. My drawing looks like crap. I called my mom and cried to her. It's ten o'clock I just took my medicine again, and I'm sure within a couple hrs I will be asleep again. But apparently sleeping is not helping me at all. Because apparently I'm not getting the affects of sleep when I am sleeping. although earlier I did create this awesome art show set to music and had an amazing conversation to Gwen Stefani. Too bad it was the drugs talking. And if I wasn't so exhausted and stressed out I would find this whole thing really fucking funny. Which even now I am laughing, which feels fabulous. I'm so glad I'm going home this weekend. I miss my mom, were going to hang out and have fun and shes going to take me out drinking and have my step dad drive us home! I really wish I had met some quality friends while living here, so that I had an Amy or a Theresa to hang out with. You guys always know how to bring it home. And god knows Amy has seen me at my absolute worse. Shannon too! Let's not forget about Shannon! I feel like such a loser right now. I can't stop crying only I'm not depressed and my cats keep lying on me cuz they know I don't feel good. And I just want to put on a Harry Potter Movie and Veg out, and I wish I had someone who could lay with me and crack stupid jokes and tell me everything is going to be fine. I hope I wake up tomorrow and feel rested, and some what sane.

I am tired of feeling like crap.

I am so tired of feeling like crap. I am tired all the time. When I'm not tired and feeling completely depressed, I'm awake feeling doped up and completely non functioning. Have I been to the doctor, oh yeah, so many times I could scream. And what does he say. Your anti depressent levels are fine. We think you have a sleep disorder so you need to see a sleep specialist which I am scheduled to do next week. In the mean time They suggested I start taking my anxiety medicine on a regular basis. My anxiety medicine either makes me fall asleep or makes me feel stoned. Neither of which makes me feel like I am functioning properly at all. On one hand I know that I should be happy that this is not an emotional problem, that this is being caused by a lack of sleep. on the other hand the lack of sleep is making me cranky and making me feel like I cannot function. Not functioning makes me feel like I'm falling apart. When I feel like I'm falling apart I feel like I am not living my life to the fullest which frustrates me, because it makes the outside world not see me at my fullest potentional. And at this point I am doing everything I can to keep going. Taking things one step at a time. Crying when I need to cry sleeping when I need to sleep even though it apparently doesn't realy help. I'm going to go home this weekend to see my mom, which always cheers me up. I took a few days break from my boyfriend and told him how I was feeling about us, and we talked about it without fighting, and I felt that was a major stress so that was one thing I was able to relieve. I just hope that everything evens itself out. It is so nice outside and the sun is shining. Which makes me happy. I took the day off so I could catch up on my homework that I didn't get a chance to do last week because of the snow so hopefully tomorrow morning I will be feeling up to par. I'm going to try to keep writing more, because writing really helps me feel like I'm getting it out. Now everyone I know should call me and tell me a really funny joke or leave me insane messages on my blog and I will feel much better!

Thank You God!

Seriously, thank you god. For you must have been watching out for me. As everyone knows things have been kind of falling apart all around me. Well today I went to work, and I was laughing and actually having a good time. Then I get home and my best friend had sent me a 6ft monkey in the mail. Thank You Theresa it made me smile and almost wet myself. Then to top it all off I got a check from the bank with the money they had taken from me. So I cashed my check and went and paid my bills that I had been stressing out over, and still had enough to last me until my first paycheck. I really felt like someone was watching over me today, so god thank you, I prayed for guidance I wanted to find away to make it through what felt like a mess, and today I really saw the sunshine through, and it felt good.

Yippee!

I love that Blogger finally added editing capabilities! Yeah!

I actually have something to say!

So I'm lying in bed watching Girl Interrupted. Had a pretty strong panick attack earlier that knocked me down. I realy hate that manic feeling followed by the down slope that comes with taking the pills. I couldn't and still haven't realy been able to figure out what it is that is causing me so much stress that I feel that I'm function at less than %100. My grandmother who I love dearly is slowly declining it's a matter of old age, and although I know that death is inevitable it is not something I am ready to deal with just yet. I try to call and visit with her and make sure that I send her cards to keep her chipper. But I wish that I was there with her. I really try to let her know what a wonderful person she is and how much I truely have enjoyed having her in my life. And even sitting here typing this I feel the tears starting to well up again. I know that my mother is under alot of stress dealing with work and dealing with my grandmother. I know that it is not easy taking on all of those responsiblities and at times I feel as though I ran out and left her there to handle it all on her own, and although she constantly reasurres me that she is proud of my decision and that it is not my responsiblity to help out, I still wish there was more that I could do to be more supportive. I lost my job, I was sick for several weeks and had gotten to a point where I just wasn't happy where I was working or more with the work I was doing and my lack of presence at work caused me to lose my job. So in reality it was my fault I should have gone wether I wanted to or not. I have gotten a new job which I have been training for all week. It is a job assisting people with developmental disabilities. I have been overwhelmed this week learning about all the new people I will be working with and learning there needs and personalities. It's like starting the first day of a new school and having to get the feel for everyone. I have been trying to take in all the new information and all my new surroundings, and I realy do hope that I can do a good job. I can't believe that spring break is almost over, and then it's back to school. Everything was kind of stalled that last week due to the weather so I do have some assignments I need to work on before I go back. I am realy proud of how I have been doing in pre Algebra. Math is something I have really struggled with my whole life and although I know it's a small step it really does feel like a big accomplishment and I'm am proud of myself for it. My personal life still stands where it has been and I am still dating the same person and although at times I question our relationship and where it will lead, I really just try and enjoy the time I have with him in the present. I know that we may go our seperate ways due to graduations and jobs and other life responsiblities and although we fight alot and get at eachothers throats, we have both worked and continue to work on ways we can communicate better. And when I take the negative with the positive this relationship has been a learning experience, and I will always cherish the friendship I have built and things we have taught each other, good and bad. I guess there is not much else going on, although now that I have typed this out I guess I can see better that there are some major changes taking place in my life so it's understandable that I would be feeling overwhelmed. I will try to start posting more, I definetly think it helps to get this all out in the open.

Kandi

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