If I only had a brain.

So J just woke me up after I had been asleep for 2 hrs after working a 14 hr shift. And I am so delusional to think that one day he is going to call me and ask me how I am or how my day was or how I'm doing, or how lifes going. He woke me up to tell me that he didn't have time for me this weekend, that he's to behind, and it leaves me wondering what excuse he will come up with once school is out, and why I'm trying so hard to change things between us, why can't I just be a bitter ex girlfriend and let it go. Why must I insist of trying to build a friendship with someone who obviously has no interest in doing so, and is only going to do to me as his friend, what he did to me as his girlfriend. When did people stop learning how to love, when did respect become such an obsolete word. And are there really people in who care beyond themselves, who possess compassion like I've never seen, and where is this gift of selflessness that I hear so much about, and how does one come to possess it. To become one with everything around them, at peace, and completely protected from all the hate, angry, lying, and manipulating, that goes on in the world. Where has all the good gone?

Well I survived.

So I survived my 14 hr shift today, ate dinner with my dad, came home watched Grays anatomy and now I am so ready to crash I think my brain literally stopped working hrs ago. I am going to miss this apartment so much, but it will be nice not to have that drive.

Am I wrong to want something real?

I hate fake people. And I hate giving myself to people who aren't real. What is so wrong with opening up and being honest, to really giving yourself to someone, to really trying. To really opening up and talking and trying. Whats wrong with searching for happiness and laughing. Whats wrong with staying with the same person forever, having that person who wants to understand you, who wants to support you, whats wrong with evolving with someone throughout the years. Watching them grow old. Loving them with everything you have. What is wrong with wanting something real?

Just an update

So I made it home alive. and the feeling of dread hit me and then slowly began to wear off as the stress set in. Everything was good until today, and then I saw him and there was an incident, that I promised I wouldn't blog about, and although I don't regret the incident, I do wonder if this hasn't changed everything between us forever. I did realize today that things really were over between us, and no matter what I did or said, or how much I begged or pleaded, he was never going to come back to me. And although I don't think he lied to me about loving me, I don't think he ever loved me as a girlfriend. I think he loved having someone there so he wasn't alone. I told him I wanted him to be happy and he said he was happy. In the two years I have known him he has never said that he was happy. Not one single time, and lord knows I tried to make him happy. But I guess I just wasn't meant to be with him. And it will be a hard one to get over. But hopefully I will be able to move on one day. I hope that I'm able to find someone I can talk to and laugh with and am as comfortable with as I was him. Minus all the fighting and leaving of course. i think it really dug the nail in to know that his love for me wasn't the same as my love for him and that all my efforts to put a smile on his face were tireless, that it just took the right girl to turn him on. I guess thats life, and I will miss him and the three little people that go with him. But if we can maintain our friendship hopefully I will still be able to see them grow from a distance. But now it's off to bed, I've been up doing homework all night and I'm starting to think to much, and I don't want to cry and I don't want to feel anymore pain, so I'm just accepting that it's over, he's moved on, and if I continue to make poor choices then I deserve to go to bed feeling deserted.

So I made it back home.

Today was a long day. I drove back home, and as I drove back into town I had this overwhelming feeling of doom. But I reminded myself that everything that happened before friday was in the past, and is laid to rest and that everything in the future was just one day at a time. I did find a church to go to, one in Vermillion and then there was also one is Sioux Falls, and Sioux City. The one in Vermillion only has 8 members, so I am going to call the contact person and find out more information. I think getting back to something spiritual could be very helpful, and I have always had a hard time feeling constricted with beliefs in traditional churches so being able to find a Unitarian church that I hope with be a positive experience was nice. I feel asleep at 7:30 when I got home and then woke up at 12:00 but I suppose I should probably head back to bed since I have drawing class and design class in the Morning. Peace

Cookies!

You Are Cookie Monster

Misunderstood as a primal monster, you're a true hedonist with a huge sweet tooth. You are usually feeling: Hungry. Cookies are preferred, but you'll eat anything if cookies aren't around. You are famous for: Your slightly crazy eyes and usual way of speaking How you life your life: In the moment. "Me want COOKIE!"

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

My horoscope

It's important to have standards and practices, but it's equally important not to try and force something into a mold that doesn't really suit you. Is this what you want or just what you think you want?

So I made it to page eight.

I made it to page eight, and hopefully this isn't something that will sit stag net in a file on my computer. I think it will really come to life of course with it being the story of my life, wither or not there will be a place to end it is another question all together. I just got of the phone after a good conversation. And I'm ready to sleep. I think in a couple weeks, things will really start to work themselves out. I'm going to start looking for a new apartment where i will be closer to work and school, and I have a few projects lined up for the summer. All and all I'm feeling pretty good right now and it's not the alcohol talking.

So I've had a few beers.

Today was hard, up and down like all the others in recent days. I felt myself slipping back into writers mode, which I had been doing on and off for a few days, getting bits and pieces here and there. It usually happens when I spend 5-10 hrs straight painting, it's as though my brain goes into overload with all the imagery that it starts to put everything into words. I guess I'm doubly blessed like that. So I did start a new story. It's non fiction and it's in the rough stages right now. I'm going back to the beginning 14 years ago and paging it all out. I'm writing it has I remember it and once it's down I'm going to go back and edit stuff out that is too much info, and maybe jazz it up a bit, although my life back then was crazy and doesn't need much jazzing up. I was laughing because when my mom kicked me out of the house to go get drunk, I had already written 4 pages, and hadn't even made it to the prom yet. I think it's going to be very therapeutic, and I think once the past is completely behind me the past the present is going to be that much more clear. I had several ideas of non fiction pieces that I was going to go through. But this time I decided that I wanted to go with what was real. What was there, instead of twisting everything and trying to relay feelings in my writing. For once, I don 't want my anger down on the page, I don't want to go back and look at it. I want to accept it for what it is. Accept it and let it go, I can be angry at myself at the events at everything, but I have no control over those things so I'm letting it all go and moving forward. Alone. And I can do it. Because I'm a survivor, I'm a loving and caring person, I don't like hurting people, and that is all anger does. Peace Out!

“The keys to patience are acceptance and faith. Accept things as they are, and look realistically at the world around you. Have faith in yourself and in the direction you have chosen.”

....

Thank goodness for a goodnight of sleep. Today is all about thinking positive, and smiling. I want to smile alot today. Today I am going to accept the fact, that I can't control other people, or there actions. And I am a good person who deserves to be loved. Who deserves to be loved by someone who wants to share that love with the world, who is willing to tell his friends and family and scream it from every building. That is as proud to be in love with me as I am with them. And I'm not talking PDA. I'm talking not being ashamed to say, this is the person I love. Today is about family and spending time with people I love. Washing away negativity, and laughing.

I want to be true to myself. I want to be open and honest with other people. I want to be able to experience happiness without hatefulessness, jealousy, or regret. I want to be bigger than the problem, and persevere out of all things negative around me. I want to be free to move on and to let go. I want my empathy to run only so deep, and to accept that the ones I love will be loved by others, and even though they choose not to be loved by me, I should still hold positive thoughts and wishes of happiness for them. I want to look at the bigger picture. I was to release all my anger, I don't have room for anger in my life, and it is a waste of energy. I want to fly free, and no that the actions of others around me, has no affect on my state of mind. I want to experience bliss, I want to look in the mirror and see the beautiful person I am, with the gorgeous eyes, and beautiful hair, and my smile. When I smile at myself, I want to see all of my happiness shining back at me through my eyes, so that I giggle to myself and remind myself that I am a good person, with a good heart, a open heart, and a caring soul. These are my goals.

Things about me.

I am a caring person.

I Like to Laugh.

I love to smile.

I love making other people smile.

I love funny jokes, even if there only in my head.

I have a big heart.

I am very compassionate.

I worry about others before I worry about myself, which is not always a good thing.

I like to help people.

I like to discover new things.

I like kissing.

I like tickling and being tickled.

I like bubbles.

Kids make me laugh.

I love animals.

I love going to the zoo.

I love pumpkins.

I love being happy.

I love meeting new people.

I love shopping especially for shoes. If I could walk around naked with nothing but my fancy shoes and an occaisonal accessorie I would be one happy women.

I love the color Green because it's bright.
I love the color Yellow because it's cheerful.
I love the color purple because it's deep.
I love the color red because it's passionate.

I love music.

I love to dance, and do so in my apartment when I'm home alone.

I like to make shadow puppets on the wall.

I love viewfinders.

I love everything sureal.

I love to be intrigued.

I love books.

I love chocolate chip cookie dough.

I love trying weird flavors of ice cream.

I love laying in bed listening to the rain.

I love getting up and turning on the tv and laying in bed under the covers, especially if I have someone to giggle with.

I love easter eggs.

I love pumpkins.

I love being carefree.

I love being daring.

I love standing outside closing my eyes, and breathing deeply.

I love the smell of fresh rain.

I love flowers.

More to come......

I thought I could drive away from it all.

I thought that driving back from MN I could drive away from it all. And there were moments on the road when I felt great, but then it would all coming rushing back again. Why is this so much pain. He is still willing to be friends with me. But I can't help this feeling of betrayal, of being left, of not being good enough. And I don't want to be negative, I know that I am a talented person, that I have friends and family who love me, and who would never hurt me. So why do I feel so bad about myself, this isn't about me. If he didn't want me he wouldn't have kept coming back for more. we wouldn't have stayed together so long. But now it seems like age had made all the difference. That if I was younger had less baggage had less of a past, that I would be exactly what he wanted. How can he just turn it all off. How can he not look at me and remember the good times that we had. How can not remember what it was like friday night, when he was laying next to me in bed, how if felt when we had our arms around each other. Why can't he feel how much I love him, and why do I feel this is all my fault, when it's not all my fault. It's just as much his fault as it was mine, and yet I feel like I'm the one being punished. Like I'm the one that gets stuck alone instead having someone to take his place. Maybe thats because I never wanted someone to take his place. I never looked for someone to take his place. I was so busy loving him and holding on forever, that looking for someone else seemed stupid and pointless, maybe if I had kept my options open throughout our relationship, I would have been the one to move on first. I guess I'll never know. And the University of Nebraska keeps e-mailing me, as some sick reminder of the mistake I was about to make. My mom is right I would have gone to Nebraska and he would have broken up with me there. Just like when he asked me to move in with him and his friend in January, if I had said yes then two months later I would have been out on my ass with no apartment and no where to go. But yet I feel like I'm being punished for trying to make good choices.

Just thoughts.

So I'm off to bed, today has been a long day, I am experiencing so many emotions at once. I feel betrayed, but I wasn't really dating the person that betrayed me. I chose to keep sleeping with him. He found someone else and in 3 weeks took what it took us 2 years to build up. I want all this negativity to go away, I want all this anger and sadness to go away. I don't want to have angry thoughts towards people, especially people I don't know. But on the other hand, I think it's a normal reaction what I'm feeling. We were together a long time. He lived with me for a very long time, and within a month he moved in with a group of people almost 10 years younger, I can only imagine wanting to be able to relate to all of them. And they are nice people, I'm not saying they aren't I'm just saying, he is highly influenced by those around him. I don't think us sleeping together over the last three weeks would have been so bad if he hadn't hid it from everyone. It seems like he was always hiding everything from everyone, and even now after the fact. When were just friends. I'm still suppose to be ok hiding from everyone we hang out but I'm not suppose to tell anyone, and he was a real friend yesterday and today, He was there when I really needed someone and I really appreciate it. I just don't know where there is a place for me in his life. and vice versa. We are only going to keep hurting eachother, and thats not how friends are. Friends don't hurt each other. Friends don't cry over each other. Friends are happy for one another, friends support each other, friends care about each other, and act like they care about eachother, they are honest with each other, and they work through there problems thats what friends are for. I just can't be here anymore. Everything around me hurts to much. I just can't deal anymore. I just want to let go of everything. I just want to forget it all. I can't continue to be so sad while everyone around me is laughing and carrying on, I don't have it in me. I want my own happiness, I want something to smile about, and I don't want all of this negativity floating around me any longer. So I'm letting it all go.

I love that Kelly Clarkson Always knows how I'm feeling.

Kelly Clarkson Never Again Lyrics

Never Again

I hope the ring you gave to her
Turns her finger green
I hope when you’re in bed with her
you think of me
I would never wish bad things
But I don’t wish you well
Could you tell
By the flames that burned your words
I never read your letter
Cause I knew what you’d say
Give me that Sunday school answer
Try and make it all okay

Does it hurt
To know I'll never be there
bet it sucks
to see my face everywhere
It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
you knew
exactly what you would do
Don’t say
You simply lost your way
She may believe you
But I never will
Never again


If she really knows the truth
She deserves you
A trophy wife
Oh, how cute
Ignorance is bliss
But when your day comes
And he’s through with you
And he’ll be through with you
You’ll die together, but alone
You wrote me in a letter
You couldn’t say it right to my face
Well, give me that Sunday school answer
[ Lyrics found on http://www.metrolyrics.com ]

Repent yourself away

Does it hurt
To know I'll never be there
bet it sucks to see my face everywhere
It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
you knew
exactly what you would do
Don't say
You simply lost your way
they may believe you
But I never will
Never again


Never again will I hear you
Never again will I miss you
Never again will I fall to you
never
Never again will I kiss you
Never again will I want to
Never again will I love you
Never!

Does it hurt
To know I'll never be there
Bet it sucks
To see my face everywhere
It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
you knew
exactly what you would do
Don’t say
You simply lost your way
They may believe you
But I never will
I Never Will
I never will
Never again

I can't believe how manipulated I feel. I know this is so stupid, but he would never put me as his girlfriend on facebook, he wouldn't list me as in a relationship because he said it was nobodies business, but he listed her, he is screaming to the world that he is in love with her, and it is such a slap in my face, we were sleeping together until last friday, and by tuesday he's in love with someone else. I just don't understand. I don't get it. Someone please explain to me how stupid I am.

How do you love someone after 2 days. I can't handle this. It is too much pain. I can't stand that someone else has taken my place. I want my friend back, and I can't have him because I'm too selfish to let go of my love, of my anger. Today was great, it felt normal, and then reality sank back in. I was reminded of everything I have lost. And I know that our relationship was destructive. We couldn't talk to each other. We stopped laughing, we stopped having fun. But I never stopped loving him. I have never admitted that he was the reason I moved here. But my mom is right, I was in love, I wanted to be near him. every other weekend wasn't enough. And being near him swayed my decision. And now I'm here and he's gone, and I decided that I would not leave, that I had started my life hear and I was determined to be happy. And every day something more goes wrong. It gets worse and worse, and I feel like I'm falling into this big hole, and I just want him to love me. How wrong is that. I want him to love me. I want things to be ok. I want us not to hate each other. I want him to look at me and see a future not a horrible past. I don't want him to cringe when I touch him. And I'm a complete mess, and I wasn't honest with him. I wasn't honest with him about my anxiety and my inability to argue, and deal, and my problems with shutting down, maybe if I had explained he would have known, he would have understood. If I hadn't joked about him leaving so I could clean my apartment maybe he would have stayed. But I couldn't ask him to live with me, I couldn't face that rejection, I couldn't face my boyfriend, my lover, my friend telling me he couldn't live with me. So I sent him away, two doors down from a new lover, a family, he never was comfortable with my family, and I wanted him so much to belong. I wanted him to be part of my life, and now he's gone, and I made so many mistakes, and he made so many mistakes. I want it all to go away, I want another chance. Every night I pray for another chance, but I think god stopped listening to me a long time ago. I just want to dissappear I want all this pain to sink away. I want to be happy. I don't know how to be happy. I don't know how to get my friend back, I hate being on the outside looking in, and I've lost three beautiful children in the process, and I wont be there for them, and I wanted to be there for them. I just want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A new piece of poetry

Your lips linger on the curve of my side.
A sweet remembrance of last night.
The warmth I felt as I layd by your side, stays with me when I'm alone.
When the emptiness turns to cold.
Our love for eachother on temporary hold.
Our griendship grows.
You turn to me when you need someone most.
And I reach for you, comforting you.
Everything surrounding wrong suspends when I'm in your arms.
If only we could make those moments last.
Turning back the past,
erasing all the stumbles in the path. Lookinf for forgiveness, relief, learning to let go
yearning to breathe.
Slowly walking forward, hoping we meet again on a bed of red roses devoid of thorns.
Until then I'll keep your whispers, and your memories,
the scent of your skin. The softness of your bottom lip.
The lingering of your kiss on the curve of my side.
The memor of warmth filly my bed.
Until the day, we meet again.

....

I am in so much pain right now, I feel numb, I feel broken, I feel defeated. I feel like I can't handle anymore. I'm lonely, I'm alone, I feel like I have no friends near me. I feel empty. I want to save myself from this awful pain. Why do I do this to myself, why do I let people do this to me. And why does everything have to be so chaotic. Why can't things be easy, and carefree. I want to go back to July 15th, 2005 and start all over again. I want to live up to my promises. I want to stand by my words. I want to be all those things I intended to be, strong and true, a fearless friend, a confident lover, a selfless human being. How do all those things become lost in chaos. How can so much pain come out of something that is suppose to be so beautiful. Why did we continue to hurt eachother for so long, and how can we ever fix what we spent so long shredding apart. Where do you start to heal, to forgive. to forget.

Tragedy

I went to class today and found out one of my classmates was killed in a car wreck. I sat in my car and cried for hrs, and of course who came to my rescue, who sat with me and didn't judge me for what I said to him. I have so many emotions going through my head, and it hurts that someone I loved so much is gone, and now I have lost a friend. And a relationship that could have worked is over because neither of us could ever agree on anything, so he moved on and in the midst of it all we lost a friendship that we had. A good friendship. In the midst of it all Love killed what we had, and he wants to move on instead of going forward, and I feel like I lost three kids and the man that I loved. I feel like my family was taken out from underneath me and all I can do is bitch and complain and call him names and blame him for every little thing he did wrong. And it's all out of anger and pain and not being able to understand, Life sucks. My class mate was driving to our morning class, we always passed eachother on the way to class, when I could make it to class. She is the first person that talked to me and that I really related to, and made me feel like I wasn't completely out of place, and all of my prayers go out to her family that I know she loved so much.

Just Ranting My Frustrations.

God I hate this feeling of paranoia. I went into the place where the X works to get my groceries. I tried to avoid him because I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable or that I was stalking him. I stopped to talk to him as I was leaving. The only thing he asked me was how is cat was. Then I get home and he calls. I'm chatting away bringing up every topic I can think of and getting nothing from him. Then he gets off the phone cuz he roomate called. It just seems like he is already over this friend thing. Like he has realized he's done with me for good and just can't find a way of telling me. And I know he's busy and has a million things going on, so I don't want to be paranoid and pick a fight, I just wish if he was done with me completely he would tell me, so I don't feel like a complete ass by trying to keep in touch and involved. Last week was completely different, he called me every night, we bull shited for a few minutes before bed, this week nothing. I hadn't spoken to him since he was here friday night. He did text me earlier in the week to find out if I could fix his phone, but then he didn't bother showing up to go get it fixed. And we texted about some nonesense on Saturday. So I don't know what has changed, if he's not alone after work so he can't call, if he's busy or preoccupied or he's really done playing this game of lets pretend to be friends until I can decide I really don't want her. And it really sucks because I feel like I have put myself into him and our relationship and our friendship and it feels like he just keeps blocking me out the more time goes by. And if it really is going to be the end then end it, just let me cry. Let me get it out and get it over with. And we can cut all ties and go seperate ways. Don't lie to someone about the way you feel to keep them hanging on, especially if it's someone who a month ago he said he loved. He kept thinking I was going to cut off his phone and he'd be out 120.00 for two months of service, but never took into consideration all the money I spent on him between Valentines day and his birthday, or the fact that I'm responsible for paying for his phone through september wither he keeps it or not. And I just hope thats not the reason he's being friends with me. I just want things to be ok I hate this awkwardness, and I hate this feeling of paranoia and stupidity I keep feeling. Like I'm being played the fool, and it just seems like eventually I should start listening to my gut. Anyways I need to get started on my homework. I have two big assignments to do and thumbnails for a third to get done, so I need to stop worrying about him, my mom sent me a big box of Jelly Belly Beans as though she knows exactly what a girl needs!

Oh Yeah I am Awesome!

Here I am bitching about everything stuck in my head, and I forgot to mention how completely Awesome I am. Today in Class my teacher went on for 5 minutes about how my painting was the best and most well thought out, and really used color in the way he had assigned by not drawing out what we were trying to say, but by assigning meanings to the colors,, and how they relate to eachother. I rock and it made me feel so good, because too often I feel as though my talent is a bit lacking so Woo Hoo to me! Yeah Baby!

Brain Freeze

So I have wasted a good three hrs rumbling over this idea in my head, not quite sure how to work it out. I can see it so clearly but getting it on the page is another story. I think it's hard when you have to start reflecting on yourself, and your asked to show people a certain side of yourself. How do you see your self. When you look in the mirror what is staring back at you. There are alot of changes going on in my life right now. I'm working on getting a second job. Finishing the semester, and the ever dueling task of trying to find myself. Which is scary enough. I'm still cycling through phases of anger and sadness over everything that happens. I feel stupid when I remind myself, that he is not worried about this at all, and has gotten over me and our whole situation. I wish I could walk through the door and close it so easy, but I like to reflect, and figure out what went wrong, but of course reflecting only makes me feel stupid, as though I'm being used. I kept thing this feeling of being used was complete paranoia, but as each day goes on I feel more and more secure that this is exactly what had happened. And I know that in every relationship there is a certain amount of using of one another. But I really feel taken advantage of. I thought that he loved me. I really thought that this was something that would work out. But I guess he was right, that we aren't meant to be together, I see now how truely unhappy he was and me too I was completely unhappy at times to. And it is a breathe of fresh air not to have to worry what he is doing, how he really feels, wether he's lying. I hate that feeling of lying next to someone wondering when there going to walk out the door, when it's all going to fall apart. I feel dumb for all the money I spent on him in the last couple of months, the birthday party, helping him out when he needed it. The driving back and forth to school because he car wasn't working. The believing that he wanted me and saw something in me. That there was a spark. The sex between us was and still is good. I think that after awhile you begin to know each others bodies. you know what the other one wants. But there is not that need that love, that feeling of security or comfort. It's like having sex with a friend and not knowing when you will see them again, which is fine if you can keep that state of mind, that it is just sex and the other person doesn't have any deeper feelings for you. I don't know maybe I'm just making excuses for our behavior. Maybe Im just thinking about to much, adults have needs, and I have no problem sleeping with him, as long as I know it's not my attempt to give him the only thing left that he wants. It's fine as long as I know neither of us are going to get hurt. And I definetly don't want his new interest getting hurt. I don't want to have the Karma of being the other women on my shoulders. What goes around comes around, and that is an experience I can do without. So I lay trust on him that they are truely just friends. I guess there is always going to be doubt especially when your trust in someone has been tainted. I guess one of the things that angered me the most was when I snapped at him and went off when I found out about her, and he threatened me. And its not even him threatening to hurt me that pissed me off (because as hateful as it was I know it was a shallow threat, not that that makes it ok.) it was the fact, that he never stood up for me like that. He never worried if I got hurt by the words or actions of others, he always made me fight my own battles, even when I was the innocent bystander. But he is quick to shelter her and keep her safe. And again I think I put way to much thought into this, and am trying to distract myself from what I should really be concentrating on which is this fucking painting thats stuck in my head, and writing this paper that has been sitting in the back of my mind since Friday. But I suppose I should retire to bed, I have to get to drawing class tomorrow, so I can finally start working on drawing the human face.. Yeah for me! Hope my scattered thoughts and ever changing feelings excite people.

Putting the pieces together.

Last night I saw him. We went for a drive. We didn't really talk, we didn't really say much at all, just listened to music and enjoyed eachothers company, I miss that. I don't know why we didn't do more of that when we were together. Why is it when to people become a couple, the friendship gets lost between the I love you's and the not wanting to make each other mad. He gently kissed my side when I was sleeping last night, and he lingered with me all day long. As though his lips had never left me. His body was so warm, and I will miss him tonight as I sleep. I hope our friendship is something that can be saved. That we can one day learn to be everything the other one is needing. It's hard to accept that no matter how much you want to love someone that sometimes it just wont work. So there is always hoping. I want to see him happy. But I don't want to feel used, I don't want to feel jealous, and I don't want to feel like I take the back seat in his life. I want to not be number one, but be his equal, to be able to share his joy and his pain right along side him, but it seems in that constant struggle of finding a place for yourself, I was always aiming for him to put me as high up on his list as possible without competing with his children or his education. But I never asked to be his equal, I think that was a mistake, and all to often I put him above me or below me on my list. Instead of treating him like my equal, it's a hard thing balance. I hope I get better at it. Balance and acceptance. My friend did come and visit. And I feared that it would be awkard that he would try to show himself as more than a friend, but he did not. He did not try to hold my hand or hug me or anything, which was such a relief, and when I pulled out the extra bed in the living room and retired to my room for the night, there was no complaining, it makes me feel as though there may be a hope for that awkwardness to go away. I know that one day he will make someone very happy. But that someone is not me. And looking back I feel like I did lead him on, and I used him to gain someone elses attention, and it was wrong of me in so many ways. And it took a long break, alot of hurt feelings, and now a friendship on the mend to fix my mistakes. I am being cautious thought. I want to make sure that my feelings are understood, that he does not mistake my friendship for something else, and that he understands that this is not temporary until I get over the guy I'm in love with. That I don't want more than what I have offered him at this moment. I may not be able to love the one I am in love with. But I don't want to rush into anything with anybody. And I have no intentions of trying to kill my lonliness by using someone who is offering there kindness too me. Especially when there kindness appears to be genuine. So it's off to sleep with the kitties. It will be nice to cuddle with them past 8:00am. Hopefully my little kitten baby wont lick my nose off like she is so fond of doing. And even now as I type this she is laying next to me with a hungry look in her eye!

Not doing so hot right now.

Just took an anxiety pill. Trying to sleep but feeling like I'm having a panick attack. I've had alot on my mind and all in all the week has gone pretty well. There was the conversation with the guy. Were back to talking, we had a few lapses in judgement where we ended up together. And although I don't regret it, I don't think it's benefiting either of us either. I don't want to be in bed with someone just for kicks. I want it to be because they want me and they want to be with me, and everything in them tells them I'm the one. And I know thats not the case in this situation. Maybe I'm asking alot, but I want a guy who is excited by me. Who sees me as an aspiring graphic designer and is interested in my work even if it sometimes requires explanations. That can dive into my life as much as I dive into his. I want someone who will make me laugh, who is forgiving, and who is loving and gentle. I also had a few tough conversations with an old friend. About his choices in life. His use of drugs, and his choice of women, I know he went into this new relationship really wanting something new. And he was careful to pick the girl and he wanted something different for himself. And I see that he is trying to improve in many ways, but unfortunately this relationship didn't work out the way he expected and so he chooses to once again turn back to a rowdy life style. One which I have no desire to be a part of. And I applaud him for wanting to change and for examining the reasons why he does some of the things that he does. And I hope that he can pull himself out of his hole. His life has been a long and bumpy ride, and in many ways he has had successes but there are so many things he wants to do and wants to explore. And its as though his life and the people around him are keeping him jailed and keeping him from exploring those things. But we had one of our many heart to hearts and it's nice to have someone you can sit on the phone with and contemplate life and be able to say look you know your reasonings are complete bullshit and that your acting like a 5 year old and you need to grow up and get a life already, and they take absolutely no offense to it what so ever. They just say yeah in ways your probablly right, and I should look at how this is all affecting me. Now I know as well as anyone that you can't change people. That people can only change themselves. But I hope he does, I hope he find all the excitement and companionship that he's looking for, and I hope he turns to a cleaner lifestyle, one with less drama and less excitement. And as I repeatedly tell him there are sane girls out there. And one day he will find her in the least expecting place, but he needs to learn to embrace his loneliness instead of trying to kill it with destructing behavior. Me and him have had a strange relationship over the years, one that so many people dont' get and don't understand, but we really have been the go to person for so long, that I think both of us realize that sometimes our relationship starts to effect those around us, because others don't understand. And we make sexual jokes to each other and we tell each other that we love eachother, and its because we do. We both love that person that will pick up the phone and tell us exactly how it is, to remind us where we have been and where we are going, and why we are where we are at. It's nice to have the person thats is so completely nonjudgmental and can remind you of harder times that you have over come, and can remind you that there are unconditional friendships. The security of having that person even if it's 1200 miles away that you can call and scream at really loudly and yell WHY IS MY LIFE COMPLETE CRAP. And in an instance, they can say whatever kandi and you just laugh, even though there is nothing funny about that phrase. But whatever in every sense reminds me of how stupid I am sometimes. I want to jump off a building. Whatever kandi. I hate school, I hate life, and I am so completely bored, whatever kandi. It's that quick release of whatever you know its not that bad. And it just makes me laugh. I wish everyone had that person. In fact, I have had so many phone calls this week. Seriously I have talked to so many different people, and it's been nice to be back in touch with everyone. Amy made me laugh when she called and just completely crapped on me earlier and then laughed and said sorry I should have sent you a warning signal before you answered your phone. Which would be so awesome. If they could hit that little extra code that said Crisis situation. Or I'm bored and need to bullshit. And Shannon of course had me laughing because we always come up with the strangest ideas when were together. And we have some crazy memories. I really miss all of them and it's an understanding of why everyone gets so addicted to the Association. Because there is always something to look back and laugh about. I have a friend coming to visit this weekend. A friendship that is on the mend but as long as the ground rules stand, and he doesn't mind sleeping on a blow up mattress I think it should be a fun time. I could definitely use some bullshit time and a good movie or two. I am still very angry with everything that has gone on, and I am hoping the anger will pass. I am trying to look at the good in people and not hold on to hostility. I really loved my X, but he was right, there were times when I was very unhappy. and for the last few months I have felt ill and out of sorts with myself, and it's hard for people to deal with that. But alot of it was not feeling wanted, not feeling that I was important enough, and maybe thats my own issue that I need to look into why I need the other peoples approval. I don't know the answer to that. And honestly trying to transform a lover into a friend is not an easy task. Especially when your hurt and angry and feeling rejected, and he has already begun the process of replacing what you had together. And I know that people walk into your lives at the oddest moments and we can't control how we feel. But we can control how we treat others, and the level of respect we give to them. I think it's going to take alot of time. I want to let go of all this pain, and make sure that the love I had for him is put away, and that the love I give is of pure friendship. I don't want to deal with the past, I want it to heal, and I know thats not easy and I don't know if it will ever happen. I don't know if he will ever see me for who I truely was. And I don't know if I will ever be able to look at him the same again, but I'm going to try. slowly one step at a time. even if that requires taking a few steps back every now and again. Hopefully I've gotten some of these thoughts out of me and relieved the anxiety that was building up. It's a wait and see situation, life. And waiting is the hardest part.

Happy Easter!

Another lovely update.

So it's off to bed early tonight and off to work tomorrow, and then off to Minnesota for an exciting weekend. It will be nice to get away from everything and to get everything off my mind. Everytime he calls me I think to myself "how can you be so non chalante?" How can our history mean nothing to you. How can something causing me so much pain be so easy for someone else to just brush off? I guess thats life. I guess this becomes one more of my many mistakes. Another story for me to tell years from now when Mr. Right comes round. It is so weird to love someone and to know you have been rejected, and not just rejected but rejected for a younger girl, one with a less promising future, one who I don't know but can only make assumptions about. I only hope she can handle the turmoil better than I did. The uncertainty. I guess as much as I don't want to, I should try to look at this all as a blessing in disguise as though I have been let off of this giant hook that was suspending me in midair while I twirled aimlessly wondering wither or not I would fall to my death, or be saved. I try desperately now not to focus on the good times but to focus on the faults. Like my therapist said to me today. Exactly what were you getting out of this relationship? And was it really worth it. I spent two years years trying to trap and untrappable fish. And he's totally right, as much freedom as I tried to give him, I still kept him close by. I guess maybe thats one of those hazards of relationships, you always end up doing the opposite of what you meant. You always end up hurting when you meant to love, cheating when you intended to be faithful, lying when you meant to be honest. Leaving when you promised you would stay. Maybe next time around I will finally learn my lesson, but then again I'll probably find a new set of problems to trip over. But for now I look forward to a peaceful weekend with family, surrounded by people I love and who love me, and I look forwarding to mending a broken friendship. Although I don't know how that will go I am going to take it one step at a time and make sure that this time how I feel is completely evident, and that the understanding of friendship and the bottom line of what that entails is very clearly drawn. In fact an investment in a dictionary and learning how to clearly state meanings is a new goal of mine.

More Brain Droppings.

I just want to make sure that anyone who may read this understands, that the names of people have been left off for a reason. My blog is not meant to hurt or to attack anyone, it is meant for me to be able to get my feelings out in a healthy manner. I don't hate or have any ill will towards anyone. Thats what has made this all so hard to deal with. It's very hard to let go of something you love. Especially a situation that was as volatile as ours. There were so many ups and downs and uncertainties about the future, and about where we fit into each others lives. We were best friends. Well he was one of my best friends, and I hope that he looked at me as a good friend, although I know he only considers one person to be his best friend. It's hard to put a dead halt to something and to be completely cut out of someones life. There is always the earning to go back and forth and to try to fix things and to try to ease any pain that may exist, wither it be theirs or yours. I don't look for negative advise from people. I don't want people to tell me that he's an asshole or that he's playing games with me or that I'm better off without him. What I need is positive people who assure me that I am not alone, that they know how much I cared about him and that this will all pass over in time. So many times when a situation goes bad people feel that making the other person look like a monster solves the issue or eases the suffering, but it doesn't. Knowing that you have friends who care, and who understand is what eases the suffering. Knowing that he was not the end all of my life and that there is hope out there and that one day this will all blow over and I will be able to breathe just a little bit easier. I only know of one person in my life that actually reads this blog and she is a positive friend. She reaches out for me and lets me know that she cares and that she feels for me. She stays non judge mental and I appreciate her for that. My short conversation with her tonight made me feel so much better, and I hope that after a good night sleep I will feel rested and be able to gain a bit of perspective on my own life, which seems to have taken a seat beneath all this chaos surrounding me.

Why Can't Sex And The City be like real life.

Why can't I have a group of girlfriends surrounding me with positive enforcement? Why can't I have the flow of advice on how to get over him? Damnit someone should write a book, How To Get Over Him? But I probablly wouldn't read it any way. I feel so stuck. I really want to maintain this friendship, but why? He doesn't want to be friends. He has already moved on to someone else. He says he's just friends with her but everything he does and says shows me otherwise. Then at the end of the worst day ever. He calls me out of the blue to go for a drive. Which I do then he says he should probably check on his cat, which is at my apartment, so we go and the next thing I know were getting it on and I wake up the next morning with him in my bed. No regrets on my part. I love him, and I enjoy being with him. Then he texts me and says he needs to come get his cat. It's his cat she belongs with him. But I can't help wondering if this is because him wanting to see her is what led to everything else. Is this the final attempt to cut me out of his life? I just want to cry. And it hurts because it's not just some guy I'm losing, it's my friend who has been in my life day in and day out for two years. My friend who I have slept with and cried to and laughed with for so long. I have such a hard time saying goodbye. And he is so right with being angry with me. And I am right being angry with him. The difference is he gave up. And I can't fix that.