I wish life was like a tv show.

I wish life held all those quirky moments. That we all weren't suspended in time, our faces number from holding that same pose. As though along the way we had all forgotten how to laugh. I wish there was that somebody, that you could hold on to. That you could tell all of your deep dark secrets to without being afraid that they will reject you. That saying I love you wasn't a sentence to death. I hope I find that person, because not every moment I breathe do I feel like this world is an endless torture. Some days I wake up and I breathe and I smile and think to myself, maybe today will be that day. Maybe today I will find that person that doesn't give me happiness, but magnifies the happiness that is already there. That didn't happen today. But maybe tomorrow.

Yummy.......

Pink Frosting Rocks!

So It's been a couple of days.

I am off to work. I've been so busy I haven't had time to stop and write. I didn't get much sleep last night because I was up all night laughing my ass off and watching friends. I had forgotten how funny that show is and how good it is too laugh. Well I must run, I'm going to try and take some Macro pictures tonight after I get off work so we will see hows those turn out, otherwise I have some reflecting to do, and maybe I will do that before I go to bed as well. So This has been an interesting post. But I just wanted to make sure I was keeping in the habit.

What a weird day...

So today I woke up in bed after a very long nights sleep, to a phone call from a friend telling me a mutual friend had died. Then I called James to see if would like to go get ice cream and go for a walk in the park. He said yes, and then ice cream turned into the end of our relationship. I keep waiting for the realization that everything that has happened, really happened. I sat and I listened to him, and I tried really hard this time to make sure I really understood what he was saying to me, I wanted to make sure that this time I really made the right decision and that this wasn't just another one of our many fights, and then I realized that it was over, he was so right, it was completely over and there was nothing that was going to change that, and I realized that sleeping with him and carrying on sexual phone conversations was only going to ruin his relationship with his new girlfriend, ( duh! I know) But I kept hearing him say how he was at this point where everything in his life was starting to come together, where he was beginning to find the peace he had been searching for so long, and that the turmoil was finally ending, and I realized that wither or not it was intentional, my relationship with him had been nothing but turmoil, and no matter how many times I tried, I was never able to get it right. The communication, any of it. I was never able to say what I needed to say when it needed to be said. I never explained anything so that he would understand. I really made him feel bad about himself, and I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want him to feel bad about himself. I don't want to feel bad about myself. And I don't want to keep hiding our friendship and making myself feel bad, because the worse I feel about myself, the more negative I become, and that just rubs off on him. And he is soo mad at me right now, and he has every right to be. He is right I lied to him. I told him we could always be friends, and here we are a little over a month lating, and I'm already bailing. but I thought I was trying. I thought I was doing a good thing, and then today I realized that my attempts were only making things worse. That I was only replaying our entire relationship, and that if I didn't stop it now, we would just end up hating each other. And I don't want to cry anymore, and I don't want him to have to worry about one more friendship, or having to make time for one more person in his already busy life. And he really does have a lot going on and it is only going to multiply, and I really need to shed this apartment, move to Vermillion and move on with my life. I think eventually I'm going to break down and cry, but I need to keep telling myself that this really is for the best. And we will always have October 29th.

Dilema.....

So I am having a dilema. I have two friends who are both guys, who both just started dating girls that apprently the other one does not like. One of the guy is my ex and so I have heard both sides of their stories. I know I should not get involved. And I guess that is probablly the answer to the dilema just don't get involved. So I'll just vent a little. I want to be able to call the ex and say look this girl is affecting everything in your life. Your not putting the time and effort into school and work that you need, which is causing a lot of stress. She is pressuring you to spend all of your time with her and so it is affecting your relationship with your friends. But I'm the ex girlfriend, and we haven't reached that level that I can say hey I'm saying this to you as a friend, because there is still the thought that your my ex girlfriend and you just want us to break up. But that is not the case, not today. I really am worried that he is going to lose this friendship. I thought they were good for each other, they had their guys nights, they were always laughing and carrying on, they work together and live together, and they used eachother to relieve that stress. I know that before when they were dating other people. We would all hang out and even if the girls didn't know each other it didn't matter. And I know that he is laying alot of his stress on me. So she is getting happy James and not having to deal with all his crap. He is not being faithful to her, but he also looks at that like in the past, when I haven't been faithful the relationships were long, they didn't last, they weren't healthy but they did last. And I don't know her I can't say anything bad about her. Whenever people are in a new relationship they want to spend all their time together, but it just seems that these girls are coming in between these two guys, and neither of the guys can talk to the other one, because they look at it like the other one is attacking the others girlfriend. And it pisses me off and I want to just lock all the guys in the basement with some porn and a video game system, and tell them their not allowed to come out until there all best friends again, and then I want to lock the girls in a room and tell em to go at. But I have been eliminated from this equations so it's like sitting on the outside watching all of my old friends totally crumble, and that sucks. I did tell the one guy that me and his girlfriend should go hang out one night and do something. So I think we are going to do that. Hopefully they will be able to get over each other and be able to find a balance before this friendship is so destroyed there is no fixing it.

Stormy Weather...

So the weather has been stormy today. My day started out good, nothing like making love to the sound of the pouring rain, but then work was stressful, and this new medication is just not cutting it. I keep thinking once I get adjusted it will be better but I think I may need to switch to the other stuff the doctor gave me. I had to laugh earlier when I signed on MSN to talk to Brandy, and I read the ex's screen name. Totally In Love, (Love Ya *&$). god I love him, but he is so full of shit that his eyes are turning brown, and he knows he's full of shit. And he is such a player, I swear he would be so much better off just being a playboy and being honest about it, then trying to play girls and keep it secret. He's such a guys guy, you gotta love it. Of course for that split second I had a little twinge of hurt like oh how could he. But then I realized, it's expected. He was never openly in love with me, but that doesn't mean the love wasn't real. It's definitely questionable. But he does have his shining moments. How do I fall into people like him? Well I suppose it is off to bed, I will be glad when all these thunderstorms passover, and the sky clears. Pandora is currently trying to molest my hand which makes it difficult to type. So peace for now.

Tired..

So I've been feeling really up and down lately, plus I'm been changing my mind every five minutes which I am sure is great for those around me. I am trying to stay positive and stay supportive. Stay aware, and cautious but not ask too many questions. I have been rather worried about my ex. I know he is going through a really hard time, and I know that when he dumped me and I felt like my whole life was falling apart, I really needed someone there giving me words of encouragement, and I did have lots of friends calling and lending support, and it helps, and I have never believed in leaving a friend in a time of need. I do worry that he questions my intentions, which I don't blame him at all. People in a situation like ours have lots of questions that fly threw their heads. And like I've said, of course I wish he hadn't broken up with me. But he did what he thought was best, and I think we both needed a break, I just wish it hadn't been so sudden, and he hadn't moved on so quickly. But if she makes him smile and she makes him happy, then I don't want to take that away from him. I just want to make sure he has someone there to support him, because I know how though things can get. Anyways. I think my med change has been screwing with me, I'm going to try taking them in the morning instead of at night, to see if i sleep better if it will help bring down the anxiety. if not then I might have to switch to the other meds the doctor gave me. I really hate "trying" different types of med and trying to feel them out. I like what works. Problem is at $100.00 a month, I can't afford what works.

Why can't I get over this already.

I wish I had the ability to hate people. No I don't I don't like the feeling of hate, and I don't like saying mean things yet I always find myself doing it. But I think I finally figured out what is bothering me. I was standing in the shower and I finally started crying. Because maybe she is right maybe they are in love, maybe I'm the one he has been lying to. Maybe these last two years really did mean nothing to him. Maybe in the end the only reason he dated me was to prove to himself that I wasn't the one he wanted. It took a year before he told me that he loved me. Last year he lied to me about going on his meds, about trying to better himself, and yet hear he is a year later, and he leaves me for someone he is according to her in love with. After three weeks, he's in love with her, and she's everything he was looking for. She gave him everything I couldn't find in myself to give him, and as soon as she starts having sex with him I can't even promise he'll still come around, and what kind of person am I that I would have sex with someone who is in love with someone else. I love him and I love being with him, and he knows my body better than anybody, but if he doesn't love me, if he never did love me. Then what have I been doing to myself over these last two years. Why do I let myself get pulled into this? How can you look into someone and know that they are telling you the truth. How can you look at someone and want to trust them so badly but doubt swarms at the back of your mind. How can you sit and worry sick over someone all day, that all your focus turns to them, and all they show is complete annoyance by you. As though the thought of me disgusts him. I had this complete dillusion that we were happy. That things were going to be ok with us. That we were going to find a way to make this work, and in a matter of three weeks he's in love with someone else, and I wasn't even looking. I never thought I would need to replace him, I took for granted that he would always be there. Why? why can't I answere all these questions swarming in my head. And why after a month am I sitting in bed crying waiting for him to call me, when I know he's on the otherside of town with her, making out and laughing, and having a good time, tell her he loves her. I will never hear those words again, and if I ever do, I wont know if I can believe them. How can one person cause so much pain on another, and yet not feel any themselves. How can he be OK with the way things are. How does he not talk to me and think about all the good times we had, how can he only focus on what went wrong, and not want to fix it to get back to what was good. His e-mail said this is just a break. But it wasn't just a break, it was a break up, it was a nice way for him to move on and still keep me hanging on. When will I ever learn?

So I only have one thing to say to her.

That bitch doesn't even know what love is.

So a friend directed me a rant she left on her myspace, about how in love they are and why can't people just leave them alone, and accept the fact that they are together, and why can't people just move on and find someone of their own.

I can't help but wonder who this was directed at. I wish I could post a response, tell her off, tell her to go fuck herself, or go fuck someone. But I promised him even if she attacks me I would keep my mouth shut, and since it was one of my idiot friends who went to the blog in the first place, it wasn't really her fault that I read it, only her fault that she posted it. But it is nice to know that according to him there not in love, but according to her after two weeks they were completely in love. She is in for the surprise of her life.

The Rant from my other blog

So yeah my ex called and apologized. He's going through a lot of crap right now, and I know how he is when he gets like this, hense why I bought the gift. I just don't want him to hit rock bottom not because he's my ex but because we are friends, or at least trying to salvage a friendship we started building two years ago. I know we love each other, but it's always hard when two people can't stand on common ground, no matter what ground it is. Friendship, relationship, the problems don't go away, but we are working on them. We still bitch and complain about each other, but we are working on them. I just hope over the next couple of weeks he comes around, he went through this same exact thing last year, and I always worry, no matter who it is. Friends are friends. I just hope that this time, he follows through on finding what he really needs and doesn't just give in because the stress seems to be gone, but enough about him. I am about to go to bed I think or at least watch a movie, I've been writing all night, tomorrow is the last day of art classes and then I full switch over to writer mode until the end of my creative writing class, have I mentioned how freaking excited I am about this class. With any luck my two passions will clash together at some point this summer. Which considering I have a graphic novel to be working on, it will be a fabulous explosion! I do work tomorrow and I don't think I actually have a day off until sometime next week, but classes are over so it shouldn't be too bad. The weather is so nice outside, I do need to vaccum my carpet, but all in all the apartment is in order, and the only person who comes over here is my ex and since he lived with me he is pretty much aware of my casual attitude towards cleaning. I did find a church to go to which I am also excited about, I didn't go this last weekend because I was at home, but hopefully this sunday. Anyways I suppose that is enough of a rant for now, I think I may just copy and paste this into my other blog and save me some time. Oh yeah and check out the new Disciple song I have playing on my profile. They rock!

What am I super excited about?

Creative Writing! Oh yeah baby. Creative Writing. I think it is going to be an awesome experience, and I can't wait. I thought I had met the prerequisites but apparently not, so I e-mailed the teacher explained what a dork I was and he made the accept ion to let me in. Woo Hoo!

I guess I assumed it would have sank in.

So he called at 2:00am to see if I was OK. I guess it wasn't important enough to call me when someone would have over heard him. But you know what I am not OK. I lost my boyfriend and now I've lost my best friend. I really thought after everything he would have at least tried to make our friendship work. But again, she becomes more important. What other people think becomes more important than how he feels or what he wants. I have never been enough for him, I have never been good enough for him. I am so tired of crying, and so tired of fighting, and so tired of telling him repeatedly how I feel. He doesn't get it, he will never get it. I'm just a second hand person there for his entertainment, someone he has to try and balance things with. Someone he has to yet again hide from the world. He constantly thought my self esteem problem stemmed from somewhere deeper inside, but the truth is, it stemmed directly from every time he hid a phone call with me, or hid our relationship or friendship from everyone else. It came from every lie he ever told. This can't be fixed. Friendships don't require this much building. There is trust and respect there, the two things that lacked from our relationship, so why I thought they would be there now I have no idea, and all I want to do is pick up the phone and talk to him. But I deserve better than that. I deserve someone who truely cares about me. Who really is concerned with how I am doing, and not just what I can do for them.

Tired of studying.

So I'm sick of studying, I'm watching the simple life, this show is so stupid, but it reminds me of when me and Theresa were teenagers. Which is really sad. I suppose its time for bed, I'm going to pop in a movie, go over my notes one more time. My kitties are all over me their being silly, and they don't know it yet, but tomorrow they are going on a diet because they are chubby. The one kitty has a sick belly and I feel bad for her. I hope she gets better. I don't really have the money to take her to the vet, and they said the over the counter medicine I've been giving her will make her better. She's such a sweetheart and always lays in bed and gives me kisses, so I feel bad that sh doesn't feel good. OK enough procrastinating, I have my test tomorrow and one last day of school and then it's all over until next semester thank god. I do have two summer classes I'll be taking, but one of those is for fun so it wont be so bad. In fact I'm rather excited about it.

Blah Blah Blah...

So I have a final tomorrow, and studying, well let's just say I should start doing that. I have my book and all my notes sitting in front of me, I'm just such a procrastinator. I am so super excited though, I just found out that I am getting Bowling for Soup tickets for my birthday. So I will be celebrating my birthday a month late with two of my bestfriends, and it is going to fucking Rock! I can't wait!!!!! And in Minneapolis one of the best cities on the planet!

Girls are so stupid...

So yes my ex who wants to be friends, has completely been banned from hanging out with me. Which is why I never see him and he only calls at two in the morning when everyone else is in bed. I guess I've never really been one for keeping people on chains. I always looked at leashes as a scream of insecurity. Of course I don't blame her, because when we are together we can't keep our hands of each other. But I think that says more about him then about her. The fact of the matter is the harder you pull the farther they will stray, and if it's not me it will be somebody else, and if they really had a strong relationship it wouldn't matter who he hung with. Of course I didn't care who he hung out with and he left me for one of his friends. I look at her as mostly a replacement, not so much a replacement but a shiny object to distract him so he doesn't turn back around. It's interesting how the power of thought even when it's ones own, can really cloud a persons mind. It has been a long weekend, The new job is going pretty good, I hung out with friends this weekend and had a blast I'm glad this is the last week of school and am going to start looking for an apartment. I really am over this. I don't have to work this hard to keep my other friends. Me and Brandon have been friends for 14 years because we have never failed to state loud and clearly that we are friends and thats the way it is. And I look at it like if the friendship is not worthing cementing in stone, then it's just not worth it. And if he doesn't think it's worth it, then why bother. I am so over all of this drama, I seriously am, I need to just move on and leave it all in the past. It will be hard to let some of the things go, but with pain comes renewal. And it is so true that what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger, and I have shed so many tears, and thoughts, and words on this relationship, and I feel like I've been fighting for two years for an illusion that does not, did not, and never will exist.